TRIP2NITE //_my.kryptonite

Audzubillah himinasyaitan nirrajim. Bismilliahir Rahmanir Rahim.

LOL. Here I am, totally indulging in a bottle of Nutella and a stack of Wheatameal, questioning myself about trust. I think I’ve seen too many lies. And being a person who is a bad liar, makes me somewhat not a fan of it. I’m always the sort that is pro-truth, even if it hurts. Because, it is what matters. If not, beliefs are boundless, and the mind is too powerful which can result to disaster.

People always say that in love, you need trust. In my past relationships, I’ve had great amount of trust. But, I’m cynical. Every little detail I question from every aspect; it’s morality, it’s motive, it’s good and bad, it’s pros and cons, everything. I know what I’ve seen people do, and I don’t want to be the victims of such acts. Maybe I take life seriously, and maybe I should.

And so I am still in search of the understanding, why men say they’re single when their partners aren’t in town. To think of it, they’d be such sluts, if they had pussy. Or, claim that their love is enormous, but cheat on each other, or lie to one another. Where is all this going? Could it be that lying is a born trait habit for men? LOL! Or could it be that men are just simply selfish, for using their lover, only in time of need. What they really love, is the never-ending opportunities that their partners give them — stupidity and their ’so-called’ trust.

That’s probably how they roll.

I don’t read. And apparently, I write, because I blog. Got caught up with a book-sale recently, and bought myself some books. And, no, I don’t read.

I second John Gray, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

I now understand, when there is no solution in their mind, they give up. Whereas we, just need someone to hear our sighs and whines before we go for the battle. We’ve got the balls.

0 cents for your thoughts

Audzubillah himinasyaitan nirrajim. Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

LOL! I think, at a certain point, friends who have been through thick and thin with us, need not to have that tiny wall anymore. Someone said that to me before, “Like friends all also don’t care already lah, no need to shy shy all anymore”, something like that. True, indeed. After a while, of the friendship, the bond, the being there for each other, the exchanging of thoughts, and at times, even for the benefit of one another in one’s own call. Friends, just there for each other. And true indeed, I feel that with some of my peers. It is as if I’m shaping already into a permanant form. It’s good that, somehow somewhere somewhat, everything will be okay, and we’re still friends. Something like that. It is unique in it’s own way — every relationship differs.

Which made me blurted out my overwhelmness to a partner in crime. That’s usually the case. Even when a person goes missing for a while, many many  will be missed. LOL. Somewhat. It happens with my longest hamsterific friend too, whenever she’s back in KL. But it is nice, to get to know from the dick’s side of the scene when something happens. Atleast I get a preview of what the hell is going on in the hard skull of theirs.

5-8 years back, I’ve always wondered, how the hell does these girls get it? Nothing special. Just ordinary. I don’t know what I’m doing, but only now that I know what it feels like. There’ll be a line up of good and bad, but I know mostly bad. It really depends on the environment and settings. That’s how I roll. I don’t think I would want this, like I said, I’m even having a hard time with myself, being in control of my urges and desires. I think my leader should be in control of his, in order to guide me. Either or.

But hey! This mingle stuff, tingles! <3

Which got me thinking. Nope. No, I do not want. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah! For this musibah, for indeed, now I know what I do not want. :) Relating to how ironic life is. Sigh. I had to bump into a couple of man by the bar, which I’m pretty sure drunk ,while I was ordering my dinner to go. One in suit, another in jeans. I like men in suit. Mm. But regardless, one wanted to kiss me on my hand, and another was talking something related to my ex boss which I have no idea about. One thing for sure, both of them are married. Would I want my husband to come home from work, tipsy? I don’t know. I just don’t find it, a culture for Malaysian, especially Muslims. I am indeed, kuno. Conservative, some say, reserved too. But I guess, this is for Allah. I keep things to myself, and only I and Him.

Call me cynical, or skeptic. I think I deserve to be, after all that jazz about the love life that’s temporary. But I find it weird if a man as such ask me questions regarding my plans or my boyfriend, at a bar. LOL. Lying is a sin. :( But I just had to, to save myself some other bigger sins. The irony of life.

Mingling definitely tingles!

0 cents for your thoughts

Audzubillah himinasyaitan nirrajim. Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

I remember how I used to hate hate hate the weekends. I remember hating Fridays for coming so fast, and Saturdays as well as Sundays for existing. All of this, because of my lovely and wonderful job. Sigh. I thought, I couldn’t and wouldn’t have a life. And believe me, that my pay isn’t as good as everyone else, to be so dedicated to my job and work on weekends. But unfortunately, even with having marriage proposals on the way, I’m not ready to declare anyone to pay the bills for me, and pay for me to live my life; I have a whole apartment that I need to maintain to live, and a whole lot of bills and things to buy and pay for.

But, after I got into adjusting my off days, into a “weekend” of my own, with my peers and partners in crime — I found back a life to live. Alhamdulillah, I learned to communicate, again. And ever since the roster started the new rule, having to work 3 hours extra per week, we get an off day on a weekend. Woohoo! Addition to me having a life, my old life, out and spending time with friends, doing things we enjoy.

Alhamdulillah. Syukron Allah, my Lord, my beloved God. Only to Him we can rely on. :) I thought this month would be a cut off to be the worse I have been through. But Allah proved me wrong, indeed, things we are so worried about that would happen in the future, doesn’t really happen anyway. AllahuAkbar. Because, it would have been a year. Something I longed for, as long as I can remember. And until today, have never experienced it, nor been anywhere near. It was only as far as half of it. Maybe, again, I am still not ready. Only He knows best. And it was not what I have expected. Infact, it was the time of truth, the time of being whole again — The Time.

I guess it is quite true, when people say, “It can only happen, if you let it.” Or something like that. With the truth revealing itself right infront of my eyes, and how I felt the biggest burden was lifted off my chest, how I had felt anchored down by the thoughts and memories of my idealistic past, my revelation transformed me into a totally different person. A person who is happy, and content. Infact, someone who is enjoying life, as it is. Alhamdulillah, because that person is me! That anchor was a burden, and with what I had to see, just did it right. Sometimes, I wonder, when people seek for closure from others, when I think, closure can only come from within; being content and accept it as how it is. I’m having mine.

Alhamdulillah. Thank You Allah for guiding me through, for helping me to be patient, for the lovely people who never give up on me, thank You Allah for blessing me. Without patience, friends and family, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Thank you. Alhamdulillah.

And through this healing process, I rediscovered myself, only more experienced than before. I have allowed myself to be free, I have allowed myself to be open, I have allowed myself some communication — I have allowed myself to be happy. Alhamdulillah, I am. I no longer hold any grudges. Indeed, D was right. I haven’t forgiven (or forget, in my dictionary), and now, I guess I have, even by the name. I think, I have problem in forgiving, because it matters. But when it doesn’t, really, it really doesn’t matter anymore, who gives a damn? LOL! I am just me.

Going through this time, wasn’t really a good one. I thought, I would stay away from these games for a bit. But indeed, because I have shut them out, I really don’t see what’s there for me. I didn’t even bother having a glimpse of it, because I was too focused on my wound. With the revelation, I realized, over the process that I have went through, I actually have met so many, many new friends, rekindled old friendship, and discovered what the world has to offer. And I can’t believe, I actually felt that I am glad that it was forced to end without my consent, because I would have been stucked with something that wasn’t really up to what I have pictured my life would be. With him, that wasn’t it. It was when we were together, only I had imagined and made up the fantasy. LOL. Indeed, love makes us go cuckoo. Thinking back, when I shut everyone out, I was just ignorant and that I had closed many many opportunities for myself.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. I realized, because I had a revelation. Alhamdulillah. And because of that, this month has been unexpectedly amazing. With my adjustment to my job, my friends, my life, and the people I meet. My weekends have been superbly amazing, that it would be in my book of Good Times.

Last weekend, I rocked myself out. Totally, maximized. And I met so many new people. In fact, thinking back, I actually met MANY, but I just didn’t give it a chance. But this time, I’ve got nothing to lose. :D And last week, started the weekend with freebies and a snipet of rock at UrbanAttic, continued by some work then totally rocked my brains out with the great fete (Rockaway 09), continuing to a club nearby for the afterparty. What made everything perfect, was the space for new opportunities, the space of learning about new (and old)  people, etc. Indeed, I had nothing to lose. It was more than what I’ve expected. I don’t remember the last time I felt this way (or have I ever felt it before). Everywhere I turned, there was a familiar face, and most faces, was those I have personal bond with, somewhat. I felt important and wanted (and I don’t mean that it was so sadistic before), I was happy being me; me with my friends.  Not the usuals, new and old, but still, friends. New opportunities, new space, new adventure, new chapter, new things. I had so many doors open. Infact, there was endless opportunities, but it was whether I am able to toss my ignorance away. But, I think I just want to be by myself, be me, without any obligations to anyone. I don’t think I need any dramas, or pressure or anything to do regarding serious heart stuff. No, it’s time to dance around and just have fun; enjoy life. I am, indeed, in my prime time.

The weekend just ended. Indeed, this was one weekend too that pumped me up for a better life, better people, better things, better understanding. The weekend started with having a cute DJ from London named Gareth Emery, who played the current beautiful tracks of my favourites and a hand shake after that (I guess I’m not taking H1N1 seriously? :S) which continued to a good and intimate time with peers (thanks Federico!). Continued with some outdoor artsy activity with random crowd and old mates that share the same interest. Joined by newfound comrads. The night was massive, that continued to a nearby joint. Because I’m into this extreme thing whereby I like to maximize, especially my time, I go hard and go home, resulting me to accidentally went overboard with my sleep. But managed to fulfil my responsibility for the day; work. Which was continued by a great bud’s birthday, that was indeed the most glass-breaking karaoke birthday I’ve ever been. It wasn’t as large as the usual, but the loves that was around was just enjoying each other’s company celebrating a good friend’s day of birth.

It has been a great month. Alhamdulillah. Despite the misunderstandings with closed ones, and my uncontrolable temper and anger :( as well as having to know details that made me feel left out as a really close friend. But then again, maybe the misunderstandings has brought us apart. Maybe I need to relax a little bit more. Hmm, that’s life, huh?

Alhamdulillah. I need to record this, but sleep is what I can only understand. Alhamdulillah for blogging. It feels like counting sheeps.

0 cents for your thoughts

Audzubillah himinasyaitan nirrajim. Bismillah irRahman irRahim.

Sigh. Isn’t life just great, when you least expected it to be. AllahuAkbar! Alhamdulillah! Indeed, nothing is coincidental. Everything is planned by Allah, and Allah only. Allah is Great, and He is never cruel. We only need patience, and everything else will fall into place, because Allah love His slaves.

6 months ago, I was in a mess, I was out of my head, I was out of my mind; it was as if I was looking at my disastrous self from the outside, watching how I destroy and lose myself, slowly. I felt helpless because I can see what I’m doing to myself, I know I’m hurting myself, but I was beyond the league to even help myself. So, I let it roll. Even though with all that confusion, heartaches and never ending devastation and frustration, I knew, at the end of this, I will be okay. But of course, life is a roller-coaster ride. Sometimes you’re okay, sometimes you’re not. I tried to think rationally, and I managed to stick the point in my head that Allah will be on my side, while crying over my awful luck. Oxymoronic, huh? Time is the key. Patience is the word. Time will reveal itself, patience will get you there. Everything will be fine, everything will be okay. Because,

So, verily, with every hardship, there is relief. Verily, with every hardship, there is relief. [Qur'an 94:5-6]

I cannot but be extremely grateful. I know I can do so much more, but damn the syaitans! Stop disturbing me! But regardless, I am extremely grateful. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Allah is Great! AllahuAkbar!

Like how I’ve been recording my feelings lately, realizing that I’m slowly drifting away, away from the sorrow that I was drowning in. Slowly, and surely, I was floating above, coming to the surface, reaching out, with a clear picture of the sun coming right up above these depressing waters. I knew, at the end of this recovery, I will be. I am reaching there. It’s just the matter of time, and whether I want to step forward.

I repeatedly pray for haste, so I can open a new chapter, feel better again, enjoy my wonderful life, again. I know, at this point, there are still certain things that I don’t want to face. Some fears, I’ve  gone through successfully. But despite that, I am still moving forward. Allah has a better plan for me, and He didn’t want me to be absorbed with something that was bad for me. He knows better.

He definitely knows better.

I learned that one can never forget the past. But the only thing we can do is, to move on. Clearly, some people have trouble doing so. I think we all do. But at a certain point, we actually have to. But some just don’t. I hope I still do and never stop. :)

I was opened to the secret, the secret that happens behind the door. I didn’t go searching for it, nor did I ask of it, in fact, I was at the verge of not taking anything about my past into account. And I didn’t. I actually tried to avoid thinking/talking about my past. But Allah, is GREAT! He showed me what I needed to see. But before He did, I needed to be where I was; heartbroken. I had done many sins in my life, those that I know, and those that I don’t. Allah is Great, to punish me to cleanse myself from sins before Jannah. I guess, I needed to be down below for a moment, for me to reflect, repent, realize, etc. I just needed that, to be where I am today. Alhamdulillah, thanks be to Allah!

He presented to me, something I can’t accept. He knew I cannot accept. He knew I was in the wrong. He loves me and He wants to make it right. He knew. He knew I wouldn’t want to engage my life with that peccadillo. I know so, it is indeed hurtful, and unacceptable, for me. I don’t think I can or want to slide myself into that lifestyle, somewhat again (like how I used to do it with my loved peers). No, no thanks. I don’t need unnecessary predicament. No, I do not. Even though the situation seemed to be making my life colorful and lovely. No, in the long run, I move forward, not back. No, I don’t need deleterious acts around me, I don’t need to love something that doesn’t love themselves, because then, how’d  they love me? So, before I care more for that heart, He’d better take it away from me. For at least, I can love a better heart who deserves the full attention. Not another minute wasted! Alhamdulillah! (2 days was it?) Not another love wasted. Alhamdulillah! Well, Allah hates wastes and wastages.

But He definitely knows me!

Despite being laid down all the turn-off points of a former lover, it is not the end. Good things come in packages. Is that right? I just made that up. After being overwhelmed by the truth, with the biggest relief ever known to me, in my 23rd year of living, I actually am back up and running. Well, sort of. Alhamdulillah. Boosted my ego up a notch. Few new numbers, few new faces, and some even old faces from my past. Woot! Alhamdulillah. I never thought I’d have this feeling again. Alhamdulillah, but I do.

0 cents for your thoughts

Audzubillah himinasyaitan nirrajim. Bismillah irRahman irRahim.

Relapse. I’ve been hearing this word for many years now. It has gotten so often till I was too sick to even hear it. But things happen anyway, without being said. Sometimes, when it has long gone, it does come back to haunt us. The fear, the addiction, the desire and craving, sigh.

I guess, it was my time of lapse. Dang, one year has gone by. And what did I do? Wasted my life, over some ungrateful people that I’ve met in my life. Which reminded me, the year before that, I was learning so much from a playmate. I guess, it just goes up and down, up and down. I still cannot justify, whether it has done me good, or bad. Time will tell.

In my time lapse, I was too engaged and consumed with my new-found other whereby I lost some communications, because time flies really fast when you’re having fun. Hrm. And when everything ended, I was lost. I couldn’t find anyone, as I have been away for far too long. And I felt as if I don’t know how I am suppose to be, or who I am, or was. I tried, but in the end, I still needed the solitude. I came to understand, that I love being alone. I love my alone time. But just that, at times, it just gets too quiet, for too long. It’s boring. Did a comeback, pop up once a while, I am still around, alive, kicking it, just away, sometimes. Gathered my old self. At least that filled up a bit of the time. But after a while, I got bored, all over again.

Life is too great and enormous. I choose to try and find the better side of all the little things, little excitements. Back to how I always want to train myself to be prepared for any circumstances, and how I now try to prioritize properly and value the things in my life; I’m doing a cleanup of habits. Somewhat.

Because I was away too long, when I came back, things just changed. Yes, 6-8 months is a long time. A baby could be born. It felt empty, boring, and hollow. I couldn’t find any excitement anymore. Infact, I felt as if MSN and YM is just useless. I didn’t have anyone to chat with, and I have about 600 people on my list where atleast 70 people were on. But no one wanted to chat with me, and I had nothing to say to any one of them, anyway. So, I decided to uninstall. I felt as if, it was somesort of an expectation for someone to chat with, and when there’s no one around, it just felt zilch-o. I do not need to be on all the time, even when I’m not there. I’ll get on meebo if I want to.

For a moment of time, I wanted to delete my FB account as well. Another thing that I need to work on, not to be a FBholic. I’m on, all the time. I’m hooked. And hooked on what? Practically nothing. But internet is dangerous. Some people are just jealous and bored that they had to commit slander and defamation towards me, from FB. I do not know who, I do not know how, I do not know why, but it happened. Witnessed. Made me feel as if the world knows too much about me, an advantage for manipulation. But, I stopped. I felt like there was no use of me to come on again, if there is no FB. I just needed to control.

But recently, I’ve been thinking about my time; my alone time — solitude. I enjoyed it a lot. I enjoyed that I had to answer to no one. I enjoyed that I can do anything at my own expense and time, and deal with my own actions. I just enjoyed being free, totally free. I had nothing to pull me back. And can go wherever I want to go, wherever whatever takes me. :)

And because I am so consumed with this, thinking back of the changes I’ve done in my habits; discarding what isn’t needed, I felt as if I want to disconnect from the world for a moment. Well, while I’m out. (Tiny lapse time?) I haven’t had many calls recently on my mobile, phone has been running crazy with the memory which bugs me to reply SMSes and sometimes even receive. Guess, some things, I just haven’t throw away from my life, yet. Because I don’t use it that much, so I just leave it, because if looking back, means I’m going back. And I don’t want to be there. But, regardless of that, in the end, I felt like I have no use of having a mobile phone. I really don’t make that many calls anymore. I don’t SMS either. It has no advantage to me, anymore. Wasted. But how can my family connect to me? Or any other important stuff, like work or jobs? Sigh. Is it wrong to only do and have what is necessary? Can I lay back a little on the tech stuff? Sigh.

“You won’t know, till you try.” (Don’t try the bad stuff!)

0 cents for your thoughts

Audzubilliah himinasyaitan nirrajim. Bismillah irRahman irRahim.

It breaks my heart, hearing the news about A’a Gym having a second wife. I think he broke many hearts out there. We tend to like him less, as a person. Well, I like him less. Though, I’m sure he means pure in all his teachings. But the thought kept running through my mind, that was his test.

Sigh. I haven’t been out with the usuals. I think, we all tend to go our ways, do our meet-ups once a while, update each other with things of life. And boy, did I really enjoyed mine, and sure want to stay here for a long time. But, I know slowly I’ll break through the habit, and be my old self again. It just gets a little extreme. I know. :( But, I know what I need to do, to go Linkin Park’s way, on breaking the habit. LOL.

I guess, sometimes, after a while, it’s actually good to see old faces, reminds me back of how I used to be, and what I want to still be. And how I miss those times and feelings. Gossips, thoughts, opinions, etc. All just blurted. I think I felt as if I’ve kept things to myself for a very long time. And I want to burst out. Twice this week. Alhamdulillah.

But over all those issues, over some of mine, of the world, the people, life. Reminded me of a realization of sadness and pity. Sigh. I thought I was over this. I thought I was glad, that the truth releaved itself, thanks to Allah. Alhamdulillah. I just needed to see that, for me to realize that I knew the shit I got myself into, I was forced out, and now I know the reason why. But deep down inside, damn I still have this stupid little soft spot.

I learned that hate is still caring. And referring them with anger means I have not forgiven them. Yes, I forget sometimes. So I have to do it all over again. To stop caring to hate, to stop caring, period. To forgive, forgive and forgive them, and myself. It never ends. But it gets easier. Alhamdulillah.

But without hate, I get to still be caring. Why? I have no idea. It shouldn’t matter anymore. Strangers don’t matter. But, I guess, sometimes, the strangest people matters the most. Like donating a dollar to the beggar outside the supermarket.

Why do I feel sad? Why do I feel pity? Why? Was it because I was able to have it under control? But I can’t do it on my own. I think that is why it had to end this way.

I know, I should just shut up. Shut my thoughts. No more bit of care at all. I should be merciless. Someone who have hurt me. Yes, forgive, forgive, forgive. I forget, yet again. But how can, I be compared, because I’m all about the nature, when without me, the old habit kicks in? How can 5 years be compared to mere 6 months, when both are in different context of extremes? And yet, I lose? Could it be, that the chemistry was so strong, that nature is less hardcore? How can chemistry be strong and claim nature to be “boring”, when in fact chemistry classes causes explosions? Could it be, that I feel that I am able to semi-judge because I am somewhat, there as well? But how can you justify something, when you’re actually lost? Sigh. What more do I want? Think of the worst case scenario, they are all the same. What makes another different? I should be glad, I’m out. And I am glad! Alhamdulillah.

Aim for the better. I need to work on me, before I can work on anyone. And if I can’t work on me, I need help. How can help come from someone who is worse?

No, no, no.

Everything just falls into place.

dear God,

one of the things i love most about life is how things seem to fall into place. everything is so perfectly planned. the right lessons are delivered at the right moments, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.. at least, not in my world. events happen to open doors that needed to be opened and allow realization that does the individual a lot of good.

thank you.

via ALetterToGod@Tumblr

via Dazzled@Tumblr

Sigh. I just need to be patient. This is not good enough. Not good for me. Something mega is coming. That’s always the case. I just need to be patient.

Reminded me of a time of disagreement. When it was an issue over habits, bad habits. It seems that I should understand because the people around me have this bad habit. I just choose not to. What people don’t understand is that, I’ll hurt the most, to see all the people I love, around me, to have this bad habit, to hurt themselves. And I’m so tiny and helpless of my own (in my own world of bat habits) to help them. I can’t even help myself. But I guess, the urge and desires were just too strong. Yes, I’ve got to known that even love will lose to this. I witnessed.

But, I’m still, me. I feel sorry. I feel pity. I feel sad. To see it is all wasted. But who am I to judge? I’m at my peak of moment too. Fortunately, I don’t have to lie to anyone. And fortunately, I’m not as far ahead as some people. Alhamdulillah. Again, who am I to judge? I just feel sorry. I guess, all I can do is pray.

Alhamdulillah, I’m glad that I moved forward. And I hope, I will never look back, insyaAllah. Atleaast, I know I am moving forward. Or atleast, I am still who I am. I don’t look back. I don’t go back.

O, Allah! Please protect him, protect me, protect all of us from misusing Your worldly blessings that You have bestowed upon us. Help us be strong. Help us be good. Please protect us from all the evil acts. Amin.

0 cents for your thoughts

Audzubillah himinasyaitan nirrajim. Bismillah irRahman irRahim.

I get it now. ME = drugs. I guess I can only train myself to be better, to be stronger, I can only help myself, at most. Everyone needs to want to help themselves first before anyone else can. It just works that way. I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. And I’m not strong enough. Not sure if I will ever be, having that super powers. I just need to work on myself first. Get fully he-toxed, rehabilitated and have a totally clean system from my drug, him. And I will. Amin.

Think. How much does it hurt to stop a habit cold turkey? Verily, with every difficulty, there is relief. [Qur'an 94:6]

What I’ve learned recently, is that acknowledgment is important. I need to acknowledge my success and improvements. I need to acknowledge time and healing. After understanding that, I actually acknowledge it and it benefits me. I gain. I gain. I gain. And with an outsourced help by seeing the truth. Alhamdulillah. All I can do is pray.

Thus, resulting me to gain freedom. In my current situation, I’m learning to live alone. I have no restrictions. Decisions are all mine to be made. I’ll do everything on my own account. It’s all ME. :) Yay!

1 cents for your thoughts

Audzubillah himinasyaitan nirrajim. Bismillah irRahman irRahim.

SubhanAllah! AllahuAkbar! Alhamdulillah. I am ME. I’m not sure what ME is, but ME is me. It is not any initials that might represent anything, it’s not any other biased meaning that a mind can tweak. Nope. It’s just as simple as me.

I think I’m glad, that I like to face my fears, look into things I shouldn’t, cave and indulge in things that might cause stress, etc.; things like that. I’m just glad to be where I am today, I’m glad of the knowledge and experiences that I’ve gone through, the people I met, even with my sick and twisted mind. I’m glad. Alhamdulillah.

I guess, as a human being who is never content and satisfied with anything, always thriving for more and more and more, always searching for thrills, always want to be pumped. Well, I do. I think, that’s my problem. I think I’m an extremist, whereby I want everything in extreme measures, things to be done in extreme, etc. So, we go round searching for those things that would hit the spot.

Maybe, I’m addicted to pain?

Because with pain, you’ll gain.

Indeed, “So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief. Verily, with every difficulty, there is relief.” [Qur'an 94:5-6] Because Allah is the Almighty. Alhamdulillah.

I kept feeding myself pain, I punished myself, made myself suffer, wasted time, wasted thoughts, over things that was really, what I have thought and been warned from the beginning. They said, they said, becareful with those kind of people. And I thought I was Wonder Woman, and that I can manage to help out a soul, love and care for the soul. But, I’m not strong enough to do it by myself, I’m no Wonder Woman, just a Super Girl. LOL. Well, regardless of what I may be called, Wonder Woman, Super Girl, or Poison Ivy even Cruella Deville, I am glad for feeding myself pain, for training myself for the better. People call me crazy, because of the things I do to myself. I just like to be prepared. Because I know my biggest secret.

But indeed, “Verily, with every difficulty, there is relief.” [Qur'an 94:6] It cannot be more emphasized, because the sentence repeated itself twice, in Qur’an. Alhamdulillah. Allah is Great. AllahuAkbar.

I guess, sometimes, the reason I hit myself hard, train myself merciless, make myself suffer with avoidable situations, to make myself ready, to make myself understand, to make myself accept. And Alhamdulillah, with Allah’s help, I manage to see things so clearly.

With recent mood swings that goes from one end to another, with a new way of living while leaving the second before like it didn’t happen, I felt like there’s so many things happening and that nothing could be worse than what I have felt and thought through. Nothing. Therefore, taking up on challenges, spontaneously, got nothing to lose.

And I am glad to say, that Alhamdulillah. Thanks be to Allah for guiding me here today. For giving me something that I thought pure, but wasn’t. It was just for the moment of time. At least, I know. I just needed to accept. I just needed to acknowledge it.

I had to see it. I mean, I choose not to think or anything anymore about it. I tried. But, I can’t stop my life, I can’t stop having fun, just because some jerk broke my heart. Nope. I have friends and family. I have a great job. I have a wonderful life. Alhamdulillah. So, I go on, with doing what I want to do; enjoy my freedom.

I walked in the door, in my clear space of vision, 20 degrees on my left, I could see right at the end of the room. There he sat, doing what he used to, way before me. But I have this learning skill that I’ve been shaping. I have learned that I am able to block my visions, if I want to. Focus, on where NOT to focus. And so, I blurred my vision, and just walked in, ignoring and disregarding what I see through the other opened door. As I walked my way to the living room, the door closed. It is known, that naughty things are done discreetly. That is just the Naughty-People Code. But some people, who aren’t truly naughty and who is a wannabe, they sometimes boast of their actions. I know what was going on behind that closed door. I know.

I know I’ve felt it. I know I felt lighter. I know I’ve had those happy days for no reason. I know I’m nearer. And I cannot be anymore grateful. Alhamdulillah. Thanks be to Allah. And while I was going through this awkward situation, I couldn’t stop my heart from smiling.

I’ve thought. Even before going through this. I thought. And what I thought was right! I know what was going on behind that door, I saw the opening of it. I believed. And I accept. And I understand.

People say, ‘Don’t think it’ll last long.’ I was hoping for it to come true. I was living in denial. I admit, I still had lots of hope, back then. But after being with my own mind overworking it for the past 6 months, with my own thoughts, I had a rough idea of what I want, and what I don’t. Alhamdulillah. Thanks. And after having the idea of what was going on, and seeing for myself what goes on behind that door, I had no longer need to care, nor worry, nor thought even. I’m just glad. What was I thinking? I’ve been warned. I’ve known people who are as such. I’ve been in situations like this. But in previous case, I knew from the beginning, there was no strings attached. This one, I was fooled. I think the whole things was controlled by substances. I have been warned. But sometimes, to let go, you need a hard impact. Therefore, this is my hard impact. My drug. My DRUG. I need this impact for me to let go of this addiction.

Of course it won’t last. Because you’re back to square one. Things ended, because you were always indulging. It is said, some people can’t accept changes. But they made the difference. And here I come along. Me. A drug. Like Methadone. As we indulge. And when they started to feel with their desires, I became the drug that is no longer needed. And now, it’s back to square one. 7 years gone. I hope not another 7 years to come. Not with you, the drug. Not with you. Amin. (Saying is a prayer, you know?)

It is making so much sense. All is falling into place. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. AllahuAkbar!

Sometimes, you just got to be patient, and everything will fall into its place. Because Allah is Great and the Almighty. Alhamdulillah. He, is NOT CRUEL.

1 cents for your thoughts

Audzubillah himinasyaitan nirrajim. Bismillah irRahman irRahim.

Today, today. Today, I feel good. Today, I will think what I want to think. Today, I will feel what I want to feel. And it’s a good day. A good day to feel good things. Just today. And today, I want to be friendly! :) I will be friendly. Alhamdulillah.

Recently, I have been feeling a little bit different. Sometimes down, sometimes up; both in extreme measures. But I guess, I get the best out of them. Mmm. When sadness triggers, repent, seek forgiveness, ask for help of Him comes right after. Not much, but good enough. Alhamdulillah.

I understand. I accept.

Not much, but good enough, today.

Yesterday has gone, yay! Today is a different day. Today is to-day! Tomorrow is yet to be known, and yet to come. Tomorrow will be a whole different day. Tomorrow will be dealt tomorrow. Yay!

AllahuAkbar! He is the Greatest! He needs to take these things away from me, so I can move on to the next level. Better. Bye bye!

2 cents for your thoughts